rah!

3.30am ish.  Fold out bed in the blue room.  Listening to Elbow.

Who knew?  Turns out the following formula:
Truth + Understanding = Love

has an unexpected accumulative result.


If you square the above by time, and reassess both the Truth and the Understanding each time confusion starts to wear in, in the beautiful way King Richard taught me in Yoga.  Just ease in.  Stop and breath if you have to and just see how it feels for you.  And then have another go.  Test it.  Try it.  Ease in.  See how it feels.  Breath through it.  Beautiful King Richard!

If you spend your morning outside a coffee shop talking to whomever you please, on the phone or in person, just for the fun of it because the lady you were meant to meet didn't turn up.  And you wonder what the conversation would have been like, because she has a deeply held belief in Christianity, and you are basically completely feckless and whilst feeling deeply spiritual right now have always felt slightly icky about the idea of owning to a God.

If you gave your love "Life and How to Survive it" as the book which has influenced you more then any other in your life, and he (heathen that he is) sent you "Conversations with God" and you've gotten to about page 10.

If it dawns on you on the way to work that there are no fractures.  No deep crevasses of the mind to fall down and be lost forever, because it's all just channels of love.  Information intended for you.  Not pain intended for you to whip yourself with ad infinitum.  Just a message.

If you're listening to Elbow's "The Loneliness of the Tower Crane Driver" for the nth time, because you just fucking love it.  And the more you listen the more it's like someone painted your soul for you.

Tower Crane Driver.

Send up a prayer in my name.

TLOTTCD - Elbow (UTube)

If you're at the end of a beautiful 2 week voyage of discovery where you've broken every social nicety you cared to, in the office yet, but done it with enough honesty and passion that the world lets you get on with it, until it's time for you to move to the next level.

If you open your ears and your heart to the information swirling around you at every moment. And at that moment where you want to go "yeah, but" you just shut up and listen. And you do it with all of you because you want to be a bare (naked) witness (as opposed to a bear witness - Grrrrowl) to the darkness - be it yours or someone else's. And it just so happens you're talking to a wonderfully simple, compassionate, intelligent, and honest person. Who happens to be your Ops manager at work.

If you try to log onto your blog in the common room at work and at it looks like your grand opus from the previous night, along with everything else on your blog has been deleted! And you're a bit freaked. But you kind of have this deep trust thing going on.

You ride with the darkness and the fear.  And you think, I always did prefer sharing with people one on one then playing to a grand audience.

And if it's gone then what next. Could be good. Let's see.

If you spend your lunch hour with an open mind, and have a lovely time at the French market, and then go to the stairs by the car park, and decide to send out honest apologies to anyone you can see you have harmed without intending to.  And you call your dad just in time to be a bare witness to an argument you caused with a particularly brash piece of thoughtlessness just days before which had looked so like bravery at the time, between him and your brother.  And you shut up and just listen.

Well there really is only one inevitable conclusion.

You may well be siting in your chair at work experimenting with "baring witness" to a particularly complex issue.  And you may pause to follow a chain of reasoning which requires particular thought - which you do quite a bit if your job is figuring out WTF happened, as mine is.

And you may find God. 

And you swap music tips with someone at work.  And your voice has an oddly clear bell tone to it.

And you might find yourself collecting rubbish on the way back to your car.  And when you have a handful you find a paper bag.  And when the paper bag is full you find a wallet.  Which you try to hand in, but the nearest police station is shut.  So you head back to your car collecting more rubbish and find a plastic bag, which all the rubbish on the way to your car neatly fills to the top.  All the while listening to your Ipod.

Whole world around me (I'd always heard this as "Oh Romniberta" before yesterday.  True story :) ), came to fall, I'm not worried at all.  Cos I'm not able, he taught me to see.  He taught me to pray just for me.

I'm not worried at all - Moby (UTube)

And you drive to your home town, and as you drive, which you fucking love to do, you realise you are having a conversation with God.  And you think, Fucking hell Phil.  IF I'da known that loving you with all my heart would have religious implications...? And you laugh to yourself - which you're doing a lot lately, cos life is pretty fucking funny after all.

And you think, how in the world am I going to explain this one to Phil?

And you completely drive past your local police station, so you double back.  And there's no one there, but they have a deep postbox, so in the wallet goes.  And back in your car you decide not to swing round the roundabout, but go the long way home.  And fuck me it's a beautiful drive.  Look at the trees!  I didn't know there was a farm there!  Fucking rolling fields no less!!!  This close to where I live, no Way!

And it feels like your soul has been healed.  Which is lovely, because it means you'll be able to get out there and play with all those beautiful people forever more.  No more hiding in darkness.

And when you get home your brother calls cos something was bothering him, and when you end the call a whole lot less is bothering him than before.  In fact he feels lifted.

And you call the lady from earlier, whose child is unwell.  And you laugh at yourselves for not exchanging mobile numbers.

And it turns out when you call your love from the stoop of the shed under the beach tree in your back garden that you are on exactly the same fucking page with this whole God thing, but with slightly different info.  And the harmonies are profoundly beautiful. 

And you realise there really is more to this power we have then making sure you always get a good parking space.  In fact you're probably gonna get out there and do something nice with your life.  For the children.

Well, just "rah!" really.

And your ex isn't impressed at all.  In fact he says. and not for the first time, that he's deeply concerned for your mental well being.  And he's barely cracked a smile for 2 weeks.  And he's looking forward to me telling him on Sunday that I really don't know how I'll afford to stay in my beautiful house.  If I had another month perhaps, but trying to do it in the week he gave me will probably beat me.

And after putting your son to bed you eat some sweets and play on the Internet.  And it turns out your blog is just fine.  And you try and get your head down but something is really bothering you.  So you call your love, because he said he's got your back.  And gradually the knots loosens and the life returns to your heart.

I see my love again for the third time in 5 and a half hours.  He's coming up on the train and we're gonna spend the day jamming with friends and family and grooving deeply off of one another.

And I need to have a word with someone I love dearly.  Because it's no kindness to let someone get away with being a miserable fuck and a bully.

And so the love flows.

*Simples*

P.S.
29/09/10 Seems I was still wrong about those Moby lyrics. 

All round me burdens

Apparently...